Just Give Me This
by Obsessionsaremylife
Summary: It's the night before the take down she has been waiting 12 years for she never truly believed Rick would come to her with a request...
1. Chapter 1

**Having a truly Castle Christmas is the reason why this flic is born I just watched Knockdown and for some reason this popped into my head! I hope you enjoy it and thanks goes to my amazing fanfic buddy Jenna who beta'd this for me! I wouldn't be anywhere good without ya! :D**

**Just Give Me This**

She couldn't sleep.

Even if she wanted to, she couldn't.

She had been on edge ever since Castle called her, Esposito and Ryan over to present his "findings" -he had solved the mystery on who had ordered the murder of her mother, she never really had time to react on the fact that he went behind her back to do it – or kept it a secret from her that he had been doing it.

No that time had been consumed by putting a plan in place to take the bastard who had took her mother away from her 12 years ago. If she had her way they would be there right now taking him down, it was killing her that Captain Gates sent them home to "rest" before the take down which was to happen in the morning.

Ironic really, Kate knew no one was going to be resting tonight.

She definitely wasn't – even as a little girl she never liked waiting and now this? She wanted to be out there – she wanted to finally let her mother rest in peace even though that idea terrified her slightly, not the justice which would be served for her mother but what would happen with/to her life if she survived this time tomorrow.

Her thoughts drew back to Castle, she wished more than anything she could ask for him to stay out of this – not to come with her for the takedown but she also knew that even though she wished it, she would never ask (like he would listen) he was her partner even if she was pissed at him at the moment.

She couldn't help but tense at the knock that came from her door. Without really moving her service piece was resting comfortably in her hand and she silently stood up, her senses on full alert, as she glided soundlessly to her front door, her hand gripping her gun, her finger on the trigger.

"Kate?" A whisper came through her door.

She should have known.

She opened the door to see Rick Castle standing on the other side, his hair horribly dishevelled as if he had been running his hands through it all day. That wasn't really the thing that stood out for the detective though – it was his eyes, they looked so troubled... even worse than when he timidly asked her over the phone to come to his loft because he needed to tell her something.

It was like he was fighting with himself – like he was fighting with himself right now.

"Can I come in?" Castle asked throwing Kate slightly but she only opened the door wider to let him in. "Thanks." He whispered to her as he walked past a battle still raging inside him.

"I thought you'd be with Martha and Alexis." Kate commented as she shut the door and turned to face him ignoring the look on his face. She certainly didn't have time for this now – not with what was going to go down tomorrow morning.

"I... I mean... urgh..." Castle tried to reply but in frustration stopped himself smiling humourlessly. "Only you could do this to me Kate – leave a Times Bestseller author _speechless_ – that's who I am, I'm good with words and even on the ride over here I replayed this conversation over and over in my head but now I'm here and..._nothing."_

Kate shook her head, her forehead crinkling. "I'm not sure how a question about why you aren't with your mother and daughter warrants such a response."

Castle shook his head. "I told them that I was going out, that..."

"That?" Kate asked. "Do they know – I mean about what is happening tomorrow?"

"Yes and no." He responded. "They know something is happening, I'm sure by the hug Alexis gave me as I left she knew I might not be coming back."

That statement itself winded Kate and made her wish even more that she never pulled Castle into this world – he had a family at home, he shouldn't be putting himself in harm's way like this.

"I'm not going to keep you that long Castle." Kate tried to lighten the mood. "Unless you have a hot date after this or something." Even joking about it hurt her slightly.

"Hot date?" Castle chuckled disbelievingly. "I wouldn't even know – it's not like I see women like that anymore..."

"If you're here to tell me you're in love with Esposito – I think you have competition with that – you know with Ryan."

"Ha ha ha." Castle chuckled humourlessly once again, a ghost of a smile on his face. "Believe me when I say I definitely see one women like _that _and she can deny it all she wants but I know she feels the same way about me." The way he gazed at her rendered her breathless.

"Rick.." Kate's heart starting to gallop. "Please don't... you've been drinking." She knew that was just a wish.

"I really haven't Kate." Castle shook his head. "And usually in this situation I would be – you know take the edge off it but I don't want to this time – I don't want to take the edge of it, I don't want to fight it or hide or..."

"Castle." Kate protested.

"I love you." He replied bluntly leaving the statement to sink in to the static air surrounding them. "I love you." He repeated wonderingly. "There I said it in a situation that you can't pretend that you forgot about it or you couldn't remember it."

Kate's jaw would be on the floor right now if it was humanly possible. "How did you...?"

"I didn't – not until just now – I suspected it but..." Castle sighed. "If this was a different situation if this was any other day I'd be so _pissed_ that you kept this from me-"

"Well if this was any other day I would be so _pissed _that you kept the fact that you were working on my mother's case yet again without my approval _or _help." Kate interrupted anger seething just below her words.

"You wouldn't be you if you weren't." Castle replied simply shrugging smiling – the gap between them feeling more obvious to him by the second. "But this isn't just any other day is it Kate? In fact it's not even a day – it's a night, the night before the morning when we take down the bastard who took your mother away from you and I was thinking about that when I went home earlier that this could be _our _last night because the chances of both of us coming out of tomorrow alive are slim."

"Don't say that." Beckett shook her head kicking herself off her front door to be closer to him.

"Why? It's the truth." Castle shrugged. "And I'll be damned if I don't let you know that I love you and I know I will regret it if I don't ask this – and I know you won't do it, I know that and to be honest I'll be disappointed if you do but I'll also be disappointed in myself if I leave this world with regrets so Kate I'm gonna ask you something and please don't hate me for it."

Kate was sure her eyes were as wide as saucers as she listened speechlessly to his speech even when this man was wordless he could still blow her away. She nodded as she weakly agreed, "Okay..."

"Choose us."

"What? Castle..." Kate shook her head.

"I know, I know you won't but _please _Kate pretend for me that I would even have a shot – choose us, don't go through with tomorrow because the thought of losing you again kills me; so choose us instead, choose the life we could have."

"I..." Kate was already shaking her head; her breathing unsteady as Castle widely cupped her face with his hands and leaned his forehead against hers.

"Imagine us, just give me that for 5 minutes before you say no – I know you will but – imagine that life, you know the life where we're together, where I wasn't a fool the first time I met you and I don't mean when you gate-crashed my party of "Storm Fall" I mean when you gave me your copy of "A Calm Before Storm" to sign at that book signing."

Kate gasped as she looked up into his eyes.

"You really think I could forget you? Please Kate if it wasn't for Paula forcibly handing me the next book to sign I would have been following you out of that door and charming you with my ruggedly handsomeness."

Kate laughed softly, "You wish."

"Oh I would have, I would have swept you away taken you out and just enjoyed as we fell for each other. I would have gotten down on one knee and asked you to marry me and that'd be it; I would have been your "one" and you would have been my "done". I would have pestered you _endlessly _about your work until you had called in my expertises for our first case and we would have been the unlikely partners we are now and at the end of the day I would have taken you home not watch you walk off with a man you never loved – I would have made love to you all night; but then we have both groaned as your phone went off at 3am in the morning and you would have (yet again) hit me as you lectured about how we had to stop staying up that late and yet you would have known the next day we would have done exactly the same thing again."

"Castle..." Tears were forming in her eyes at the life her author was creating for her.

"We _would_ have been the ones getting married and then you freak out when you held the positive pregnancy test – mostly because of the thought of another little Rick Castle running around but then we would go to your first ultrasound and see _our _child and know that it'll be worth it."

"Rick." She shook her head protesting.

"Tell me you don't see it Kate." He asked. "Just tell me you don't see it."

"You're too good of a writer for me _not _to see it Rick." Kate confessed as she pulled back to see him smile. "But that didn't happen – you _didn't _chase after me – those things never happened."

Rick opened his mouth for a second before shutting and just pulling her to him again, just letting him feel her for a moment before closing his eyes, "Then imagine this – we sit out tomorrow, we stay here or stay at the precinct, we don't join them for the take down, _we live _Kate, we live and then later I would take you out and I'd kiss you the under the stars as I walk you home and then we just fly into the relationship that makes everyone jealous."

Kate laughed.

"We would wake up next to each other every morning and I would try to come up with as many reasons as possible to keep you in bed and then when you think I'm writing in a hotel or something I'm actually driving down to your childhood home to get your father's blessing and then I'd be on one knee in front of you, we would marry and just be _so _happy and _alive. _I would then annoy the hell of you because every time you answer your phone as Beckett I would then say Castle until you eventually answer your phone as Castle."

Kate giggled thinking on how he would so do that – it would drive her nuts and wish she could hit him when he couldn't stop gloating for the rest of the day.

"We would then become pregnant and the boys would be so overbearing at work that you'd want to shoot them – you would then want to shoot me when you find out I kept bringing them pretty much anything they wanted as incentive to keep doing it even when you threatened them. But I would kiss any violent thoughts away and we just cuddle for the rest of the night feeling our child growing in your stomach."

Kate's eyes closed as she just let the imagery wash over her.

"You, Alexis and Mother would then be so pissed at me when I get the entire house up with my partner in crime at 4 in the morning Christmas morning because we simply couldn't wait any longer for our presents. You 'd be even more pissed when we kept you up because of playing of said presents until pretty much Christmas dinner."

Kate laughed again tears slowly rolling down her face as she ached for these images to come true.

"We would live happily ever Kate." Castle finished. "Anything you wanted or needed you would have it – _we would have it. _You just need to choose us."

"In my entire life I have only wanted _one _thing more than this – believe me Castle, I want this so much I'm aching inside, I want to be Kate Castle so badly."

"But..." Castle promoted even though he couldn't stop that smile appearing at the mention of 'Kate Castle'.

"You told me that because it'd be regret of yours if you didn't – Castle, it'd be a regret of mine if I'm not leading the team tomorrow, too much of my life has been about this and while I would love to say okay I sit out, I'll wait impatiently at the precinct with you holding my hand as we wait for word so we could have that life but... but my life would never change not really - only now instead of wishing that this bastard didn't order the kill on my mom I'd be wishing I was there in the front line to bring him down even though our relationship would make _everyone _jealous. I know deep down we would never survive that because you would feel guilty you suggested it and I would I just... possibly come to resent you for suggesting it and I don't want that – Castle I never want to resent you and even though it's _killing _me not to just jump into your arms... I just can't do it."

Kate finished timidly her heart breaking to feel his tears mingling with hers; she couldn't look at him – not now.

"I knew that you would say that – in all honestly I probably would have shaken you if you agreed." Castle shrugged lightly as he put some rested his head against hers.

"Doesn't mean your heart isn't breaking right now Rick." Kate pulled back making him look at her, "because I know mine is."

"Kate." Castle shook his head cupping her cheek and wiping the tear drops. "I never want to break your heart."

"I broke my own." Kate shrugged. "I just wish that this was one of your books – I wish we were Nicki and Rook because why can they live happily ever after when after tomorrow? We might not."

"Because I'm a very good storyteller." Castle replied modestly as Kate laughed.

"I'll say – boy did you make me want to have that first life." She giggled light-heartedly when her heart was anything but light.

Castle smiled. "That first life rocked – your mother lived in that one."

Kate smiled. "We never would have met though, I wouldn't have needed to find your books and I would never have become a cop."

Castle paused. "Don't ruin my story with your logic!" He exclaimed as Kate shook her head missing her mother so much.

"She would have loved you – I can just tell you right now that she's shouting down at me telling me not to be so stupid, not to put either of our lives at risk and have that second life."

"She helped to make you Kate." Castle replied nodding. "I would have loved her too."

"She also would be kicking my ass for you putting you in danger."

"We're partners Kate, while yes a selfish part of me wishes you went for us – it doesn't mean I'm not going to be there, it doesn't mean I'm not going to be there for when you take that bastard down – I'm standing next to you Kate, like always."

"Your family..."

"I know." Castle nodded. "But they've known this for a while."

A silence overcame them as they just stared at each other unsure what to do now, they have never been this open to each other before, never and with wishes of being able to change who they were on each other minds Beckett sensed a change in her partner.

"What? What is it?"

"I have one last request – while if I was writing this story we would live tomorrow and be able to have this life we want so _badly _because you know we've made the hero-sacrifice," Kate laughed slightly, "the problem I'm not writing this story – the chances of both of us coming out of tomorrow –"

"Don't." Kate shook her head. "We have a plan in place, a good one, we're not..."

"Kate," Castle whispered resting his forehead against hers, "I don't believe for a second that he doesn't already know – not all of it, not the bits only me, you, Esposito and Ryan know – you know plan B – but I do believe he knows plan A and that means he's going to ready for us and I just..."

"What? Castle what do you want?"

"This night – where we pretend that we're living a different life, where we've been together for years – where there is an engagement ring waiting for you, I've just been waiting for the right time. Where we've been crying not because we've been sad but because we've been laughing so much because of the film we just seen in our date night, I want this night where we can't keep our hands to ourselves. I want one perfect night with you – like you said no regrets."

"Well then..." Kate swallowed as she cupped his cheek gently rubbing his cheek as their eyes met, "before this happens I need to tell you something."

"What?" Castle was leaning closer towards her.

"I love you." She whispered successfully stopping his descent. "I love you Rick."

"I..." Castle blinked not quite believing what he just heard as Kate smirked.

"No regrets." She shook her head as she leaned up to kiss him softly on the lips sighing as his arms came to wrap around her. Groaning as he pulled away only for him to brush a gentle kiss on her lips again as he picked her up. He moaned as her legs wrapped around his waist effortlessly and started to stumble in the direction of her bedroom.

She giggled slightly as she felt her back collide with her bedroom wall impressed really at just how fast Castle could carry her to her bedroom.

"We shouldn't be doing this Rick..." She breathed as he kissed her neck causing him to freeze as he pulled away – a look that could only be described as a kicked puppy.

"Why? We said –"

"That we would not keep each other up most of the night." She winked. "Gates is going to be pissed."

"Who cares?" Castle replied catching on to what the extraordinary women in his arms was doing. "You just find me too irresistible."

"You wish." Kate gasped as she was suddenly on her bed, Castle leaning over her – the lightness in the air suddenly disappearing as he looked down with her.

He shook his head. "We're done resisting – I just wish we were done pretending."

And Kate couldn't help but think briefly as their lips met once again of how true that statement truly was.

-X-

**Please Review! Tell me what you thought and if you possibly want an epilogue because I definitely have one in mind so just let me know!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

It wasn't coming off.

No matter how hard she scrubbed the blood; it just wasn't coming off.

"_Come on_!" Kate growled in frustration as she continued to scrub her hands to almost raw, nearly screaming in frustration as the blood stained the clear water. A gasp that sounded like a cry to anyone else who might have been watching escaped her lips as she turned the faucet off and watched the drain suck away the blood that still felt like it was on her hands.

She pushed away from the drain with a sob as she turned and felt the hard wall hit her back, the back of her skull hitting the cold wall as she slowly slipped down so she was sitting crouched in a fetal position as she closed her eyes in hopes that no tears were about to escape, she didn't need them now. The last thing she needed right now was to have emotions because that means emotions would bring on memories that she wasn't prepared to deal with – not when her friends were just outside that door – she could still hear the echo of Lanie's cries of her name as she rushed to the bathroom not looking back as her friend called her to slow down to stop.

She didn't stop though, not until she managed to push the door closed and lock it so no-one could get in.

She glanced at the door now, her stomach turning as she saw impressions of her bloody hands on the door which she leaned against, the blood trickling down the door.

Castle's blood.

That thought alone made her want to crawl to the nearest toilet and throw up. Not like there was anything to throw up.

She couldn't eat that morning not even for Castle...

_Castle..._

Kate's forehead hit the tops of her knees as she felt tears traitorously leaving tracks down her cheek. Silent sobs tore through her body as she tightened her eyes closed begging not to have memories, to forget everything.

Life was never that kind to her though...

-X-

_Dawn broke just half an hour before Kate's alarm clock was scheduled to piece through the room, breaking the peace that had formed in the room after the gasps and moans had finished. To anyone else it seemed like a picture perfect scene. _

_Two people obviously in love with each other (which could be seen by just how tightly they were holding each other) sleeping off the exhaustion that was brought by the night that had been building for a while now – to be honest from the moment they both met each other. _

_The sunlight wasn't going to let that happen for too long though. It hit Kate Beckett's eyes first causing her to wince as she was slowly brought out of consciousness, her eyelids fluttering just before she opened her eyes, rapidly blinking to become alert. _

_Something felt different... something felt... right for a change. _

_She tensed as she felt arms tighten around her, her cop senses not resting until she heard the sleepy sigh of, "Shh ten more minutes – stay in bed."_

_Carefully she moved her head and couldn't help but let that small smile fall from her lips as the events of the previous night rushed into her head – it wasn't a realistic dream, it actually happened. _

_She silently draped an arm across his naked chest to let her hand play with his hair smiling again as Castle sighed sleepily and snuggled towards her. _

"_Castle." She whispered against the shell of his ear. "Come on – wakey wakey."_

_Castle moaned as he squeezed his eyes shut before opening them to see Kate leaning over him. A soft triumphant smile crossed his face as his hand started to trace patterns against her naked back, marvelling at just how soft her skin is whether it be against his hands or lips. _

"_Hey." He greeted. _

"_Hi." Kate greeted back, suddenly shy. _

"_Shy detective?" Castle smirked. _

"_You wish writer boy."_

"_Oh my dear detective I think I have proven last night of just how much of a writer __**man **__I am." He chuckled as he wrapped both of his arms around her to push her down into her pillow. She gasped as he leaned over her triumphantly. _

_A teasing smile passed Kate's face as she shook her head. "No you're still very much a writer __**boy." **__She stated holding her ground. _

"_Oh Detective Beckett – you better take that back."_

_Kate raised one of her eyebrows. "Oh? What are you going to do if I don't? I am the one with the handcuffs remember." She teased as a glint passed his eyes. _

"_Oh I do – and remember you still owe me a next time __**without **__the tiger." Castle smirked again as Kate chuckled before it hit them both of last night came to be – how there might not be a next time. _

"_I don't know Castle..." Kate whimpered still trying to keep away the storm clouds that were coming. "I don't use my handcuffs on __**boys."**_

"_Oh you are going to regret that." Castle lightly threatened._

"_What you going to do about it Rick?" Kate threatened breathing heavily as let another glint passed Castle's eyes. _

"_You just watch Detective." Rick warned before he started to mercilessly tickle her as she tried to get away by any means possible. _

"_Rick!" She breathed. "Stop!" _

"_Never – not until you- APPLES! APPLES! APPLES!" He screeched as she took the opportunity to pinch his ear causing him to stop his attack. _

"_Not until I what Mr Castle?" Kate raised an eyebrow as she released his ear but pushed him so she could straddle over his thighs. _

"_Cruel woman."_

"_You love it."_

"_I love you." He replied causing Kate to smile softly, an expression of tenderness cross her face before she looked at the time. _

"_You better go Castle." She tried to move but he stopped her coming up to sit just in front of her – both of their chests touching. _

"_I'm not going to let you run away from last night Kate – that's not how it's going to work." _

_She cupped his cheek. "I know." She simply replied. "But in 20 minutes the night is over – my alarm will go off and we have to-"_

"_We still have 20 minutes." Castle implored as Kate raised an eyebrow. _

"_Really? You should go – change your clothes, see your mother and daughter."_

"_And I will – just not during these 20 minutes Detective – we still got the night." _

"_Castle..."_

"_Give me this." He implored again already kissing her impatiently on her lips feeling triumphant as she moaned and pulled him closer to her. He smirked as he moved down so he could place kisses against her pause point making her sigh in want._

"_Didn't you have enough last night?" Beckett breathed out heavily, her head slightly thrown back. _

_Rick sighed against her neck causing a shiver to pass through her body, he moved back towards her as he replied calmly only looking into her eyes and causing her to become breathless with his answer. "My dear Kate – unless it's a lifetime I'm __**never **__going to have enough." _

"_But really 20 minutes?" Kate asked ignoring how after these 20 minutes are over this short period of being in the calm before the storm would be over._

"_Oh Detective just watch." Rick flopped down onto the bed. "I show you how much of a __**man **__I can be."_

_Kate giggled as she followed him, sighing as she was pushed down against her pillow again. "If it makes you feel better I don't really think you're a boy."_

"_Oh?" Castle asked a knowing smirk crossing his face. _

"_Yeah – I see you more as a __**man-child." **__Kate giggled again as Rick growled and clutched the sheet so he could throw it over their naked bodies. _

_-X-_

The echoes of those last twenty minutes in bed tore from Kate's mind when she jumped only realising that when she collapsed on the floor she had done it right by the locked door which someone was now banging quite insistently.

"Kate open this damn door!" Lanie bellowed as she continued to knock on the door. "Open it before I get Javi to knock it down!"

"Woman, I'm not knocking anything down!" A beat past and then... "OW!"

Beckett couldn't help but let a sad smile pass at what sounded like her best friend hitting her on again- off again boyfriend around the head.

"_JUST GO!" _

Kate heard the whispered sound of what seemed to be Lanie shooing Esposito away before a more softer voice came through the door.

"Come on Kate – Martha and Alexis are here, they want to see you."

'_God they must hate me.' _Kate thought shaking her head as a fresh bout of tears even though she knew she wasn't being the detective all her friends were used to – how could she be when Castle... she couldn't even finish that thought.

"Lanie..." Kate whispered through the door. "I just... can't."

"Kate... he wouldn't want you like this." Lanie tenderly stated her voice sounding like it was closer to her... like Lanie had crouched down to where she thought she might be.

A catch in her throat caused Kate to freeze.

"You can deny it all you want but he wouldn't... he loved you Kate. He wouldn't want to see you in pain like this."

"I..."

"Just... take some time but just come out – we're all in pain I know it's different levels but when it was you he didn't leave your side... even though he was in _so _much pain. You know where we'll be when you need us Kate." Lanie finished touching the closed door sighing as she stood up. Leaving one glance at the door hoping that it would be flung open but then she imagined what she would be like if it was Javi who had stepped in front of her to take the bullet like Castle did for Beckett.

She walked slowly to where the rest of the 12th along with Alexis and Martha who were huddled together leaning on each other for strength as everyone was waiting. Lanie thought she would never be able to forget the look of the absolute terror on their faces as they rushed through the hospital doors half hoping that the call Captain Gates had given had been a cruel joke.

By the looks they were given they knew it wasn't a joke. Alexis broke first tears quickly following as she hugged her Gran as hard as she could. Martha just looked... in shock, totally blank at the news she was just given to process. They both fell into the small red waiting chairs just holding each other tightly. Lanie and the boys just couldn't help but watch wishing they could do more.

It was Martha who lifted up her head first and whispered.

"Kate? Was she..."

"No." Lanie replied. "She's... not doing so well emotionally though."

"Who is?" Ryan whispered as he leaned against the wall cut up about what he had just witnessed as Esposito placed a comforting arm on his partners shoulder.

"Javi? Can you come with me?" Lanie asked. "Let's find Beckett."

Whilst Lanie had returned alone the scene she left didn't really change the two red heads were still leaning on each other for strength tears marking their faces. It shocked Lanie slightly when Alexis had wearily lifted up her head asking silently where Beckett was.

Lanie shook her head as Alexis sighed her face troubled even more so now as she huddled into her Grandmother's embrace.

"She won't come out." Lanie stated as Javi wrapped an arm around her, she leaned into him for support.

Martha kept her position on her head leaning on top of her grand-daughter's head as she replied quite emotionlessly, "She'll know where we are?"

"Yeah." Lanie nodded. "I think she just needs more time."

A silence then transcended the group as none of them had the energy to say anything. Alexis was the one to break this stale mate first.

"I need some air." She said rushed pushing out of her grandmother's embrace. "I just need..."

"I could do with some myself." Ryan offered seeing Martha's look of reluctance – she didn't want to leave. "If you don't mind me coming with?"

"Not at all Detective Ryan." Alexis smiled weakly, grateful for the company.

"Thank you." Martha mouthed as Ryan gestured for Alexis to lead the way, Ryan just nodded as the two walked out of sight.

Lanie walked over to the actress and placed a comforting hand on her knee giving her the opportunity to break down if she needed to without her grand-daughter there to watch.

Martha just shook her head and closed her eyes as she leant across the wall. She did place her hand in Lanie's though grateful for the support.

Esposito went to sit next to Lanie slipping his hand in hers as silence won yet again and minutes had passed and it seemed like Martha had fallen asleep.

"I didn't think..." Esposito started before shaking his head as Lanie turned to look at him. "I've just never really seen Beckett like this."

"She bottles it up but – she's just in pain, she lost her mother because of this and now she finally catches the bastard who did it and..." Lanie sighed. "Imagine if that was you Javi – if the person you loved most was in that room."

He kissed her forehead as he shuddered imagining the medical examiner in front of him was currently in that room. He nodded as he pulled back. "Plus can you just imagine the regret she must be feeling?" He whispered.

"Oh my dear boy," Martha answered causing both of them to jump and look at the older women, "Richard went out last night after much debate with himself and didn't come back till this morning before he headed out again and with the look on his face – he didn't have any regrets." She smiled softly.

-X-

Kate took a deep breath watching herself in the mirror her eyes looked abnormally red and puffy and her hair was a mess, tear tracks had ran all over her face but she couldn't bring herself to care. She desperately tried not to see the blood that had stained her clothes. If she ever made through this day she was going to burn them. She never wanted to see them again.

With an ache in her chest which she feared would always be there she slowly unlocked the door which was keeping her "safe" and opened it timidly half expecting Lanie to ambush her. As she walked out her steps small and measured she realised that Lanie wasn't waiting for her she must have gone back to...

Kate took another deep breath and willed herself to stop these tears from falling – she just felt... numb. A small part of her brain wondered if she was ever going to be truly able to feel again. She got the bastard who took her mother away from her but not before... She willed herself not to remember – she knew she was going dream it, have nightmares about it but not... _'please not now...' _She prayed to anyone who could be listening though if there was someone what had she ever done to them to be given this... she shook her head as she walked seemingly no-where, her body knew where it was going though.

She stopped at the end of the corridor to see her boys and Lanie along with Martha and Alexis huddled together outside the room where... where Castle was. Her resolve to come out diminished when she saw Martha and Alexis and was just about to turn away when Lanie spotted her.

"Kate." She almost shouted shocked to see her friend there.

Alexis looked up first and in a move which shocked most of her company removed herself from her grandmother's embrace and ran towards Kate hugging her before she even had the time to react. Kate timidly wrapped her arms around the teen that was in just as much pain as she was right now.

Kate found comfort as she gently rested her head on Alexis' shoulder, feeling tears stain her top causing her to will herself not to cry again – Alexis was in pain, she didn't need her falling to pieces. When they pulled apart Alexis smiled softly, it never really met her eyes.

"We'll get through this together darling." Kate looked up to see Martha there who suddenly pulled her into her arms and gently tapped her on her back, Kate felt a rush of comfort that she hadn't experienced since the last time she hugged her own mother and it just made her want to cry, everything at the moment just made her want to cry.

Lanie, Esposito and Ryan looked on at the three most important women in Castle's life finding comfort in one another that they missed when the doctor came out of Castle's room.

"Miss Castle? Ms. Rodgers?" He called out as the two red heads turned and all three women rushed back to the top end of the corridor.

"Yes?" Alexis asked as she clutched onto her grandmother once again.

"You can see him now." The doctor smiled sympathetically. "Though I'm afraid only family at the moment." He gestured to the others.

"What?" Lanie, Esposito and Ryan protested – not for their own sake but for Beckett's who looked so lost.

"I'm sorry but it's hospital policy."

"Young man I don't care what your policy is but my son in there loves this woman." She pointed to Kate who's eyes opened wide. "And he would want her there."

"I..." The doctor tried to explain.

"She _is_ family." Alexis protested as well as Kate's eyes widened.

"Really guys... I..." Kate tried to protest. "I'm not-"

"You are!" Alexis exclaimed passionately. "He would want you here."

"I would assume you are his _**fiancée **_then?" The doctor prompted making it obvious what he was doing.

"Yes, she is." Martha agreed without a beat.

"Then you be free to go see him as well." The doctor nodded and made his hasty retreat.

Kate blinked suddenly at how this was turning out.

"Go on dear." Martha prompted to Kate who backed away shaking her head.

"No... I'm not... I mean..." She looked around helplessly.

"It's okay." Alexis grabbed her hand squeezing it. "We'll go in first – just come in when you're ready."

Kate nodded gratefully as she stumbled over to the chairs and the two red heads walked through the door.

"Kate you have to..." Lanie started but stopped at the expression on her friend's face.

"I'm _going _to." Kate reassured not really sure if it was for herself or Lanie. "I just need..."

"Time." Esposito finished. "It's alright Beckett – come on Ryan we'll give you a ride home." He gestured to his partner giving Beckett a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, Ryan doing the same as well.

"Call me." Lanie implored. "If you need anything please..."

"I will." Kate nodded smiling slightly watching as her team and friends walked away after promises of coming back tomorrow.

She practiced some of the breathing techniques her therapist had given her as she tried to calm down at the thought of what she could see in there. She closed her eyes willing herself to see an image of Castle but instead she got the last thing she wanted.

-X-

_Kate huffed in frustration as Castle continued to tap impatiently on the car's dashboard. _

"_Castle!" She snapped glaring at him causing him to stop and look sheepish. _

"_Sorry." He murmured before blessed silence swept through the car. He broke it again in a matter of seconds when he started to make a beat on his knees. _

_Kate sighed pushing her head back so it could hit the head-rest. _

"_Still?" She asked as Castle looked at her confused. _

"_Still what?"_

"_How long have we been partners Castle and you __**still **__can't____survive a stakeout?"_

_Castle tried to defend himself but shut his mouth out with a small huff which caused Kate to smirk... just that little bit. _

"_I just don't get why we're waiting." He whined. _

"_Because back up is stuck in traffic, Gates would kill us personally if we went in there with no back up."_

"_Hey!" Castle protested. "I'm your back up." He whined slightly. _

_Kate couldn't help but smile as she took her partner's hand, stroking her thumb against the back of it – the only sign she had given to him that she was acknowledging what had happened between them last night and this morning. _

"_I know Castle – you're my partner but this is... I'm playing by the book this time – even though it's killing me to do it." She huffed feeling the need to kick something – what the hell was taking them so long?_

"_It'll be over soon." Castle tried to sooth as Kate tried to take a deep breath her police bullet vest weighing down on her as she tried to stay focus on what was happening, what was about to go down – not on the person who was in the building she had parked opposite side of the street if she did that she be out of the car that Castle would find it hard to catch up with her. "We're going to get him Kate." He promised softly as Kate turned her head to look into his eyes. _

"_I know." Kate nodded smiling slightly. "We will." She looked down at their conjoined hands trying not to picture what would happen if this turned sideways – she needed to stay alert, stay focused not give into how the thought of how wonderful her hand felt in his. _

"_My mother knows." He confessed still looking at her, smiling softly when she looked up to see him "She knows about last night."_

"_Did she say anything?"_

"_No." Castle shook his head. "But...my mother always has a way to tell me something without actually saying it out loud – it's a gift really." He nodded before pulling a face. "You know when it's not a pain in the arse."_

_Kate laughed resting the side of her head on her head rest. "We still need to talk."_

"_I know detective – I promise we will."_

"_Castle you don't –"_

"_We will." Castle smiled promising. "Like I said one night is not enough."_

"_That one night happened because..."_

"_Kate." He chided, exasperated. "Stop fighting me on this – even if it does... do you really want your last memory to be of us fighting?"_

_Kate rolled her eyes shaking her head. "We weren't fighting – we were bickering there is a difference Rick."_

"_My dear detective I have been married 2 times I know the difference..." He trailed off as Kate glared at him almost daring him to continue with this conversation. "So I can know for __**certain **__that we were bickering and not fighting."_

"_Like I said." Kate smiled slightly smugly laughing slightly when she heard Castle grumble something under his breath as he looked out the window. She knew if the boys were here there would have been calls of 'whipped' by now. _

_Kate looked out of her window starting to be impatient again as the minutes rolled by, a sense of dread that traffic should take this long – it was then her phone vibrated causing her to jump. It was a text from Ryan they finally managed to get away from the traffic and E.T.A. was just under 4 minutes. _

_She place the phone back in the pocket and sighed. _

"_Kate?" Castle asked._

"_From Ryan, they finally cleared the traffic he said they be there in 4 minutes."_

_Castle nodded smiling slightly, "I told you our way was better." He said quite smugly remembering how he advised her of a different route when he saw the boys unknowingly head into a grid-lock because of road works. _

_Kate just glared at him but didn't say anything which Castle looked as a sign of he was right. It was when he kept staring at her did she give in. _

"_Okay! You were right but you're still not driving my car."_

"_Beckett." He whined. _

"_No." Kate shook her head. _

"_Fine but when we go out on a date, __**I will be the one driving." **_

_Kate smiled slightly as she saw the boys and a police van __**finally **__pulled up. _

"_Okay." She turned back grabbing his hand again looking directly in his eyes, the situation in which they were in really settling in. "We have a deal."_

-x-

**Please Review! Now I know I'm going to get some hate for this but TRUST me with this... just keep going with it! You hopefully won't regret it! (If I do it right I mean!) I was planning of having this chapter and then having an epilogue but the events which are going to follow I didn't want to rush it or have a too big of a chapter so I spilt it in two! Also I doubt I be able to publish the next chapter before this year is out so I want to wish everyone a happy new year and Please Review (just not too hateful or flames please?)**


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